1 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,320 Right, it's booked. 2 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:35,600 7.30 tonight. 3 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:38,440 Even managed to blag the best table in the house. 4 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:41,240 Get in! Do they do sticky toffee pudding? 5 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:43,600 You'll never know. You're not coming. 6 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,000 It's our wedding anniversary! 7 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,360 Yeah, not till Thursday. 8 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:49,920 And you always go to Garden Of India. Ravi'll think you've split up. 9 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,480 God, yeah, you're right. 10 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,400 Which food do you think your mam would prefer? 11 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,040 Ullswater or Poundland? 12 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:58,320 She's had 17 years of early-bird specials. 13 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,280 17 years of listening to Madonna on sitar. 14 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,360 Your mam deserves this. 15 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,600 Hey! They serve pheasant in there. 16 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:06,800 Do they ask them for ID? 17 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,080 (CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY) 18 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,240 Right, give Mam a ring, ask her to put kettle on. 19 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,720 And not a word about tonight. 20 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,040 I want to see look on her face when I tell her. 21 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:20,600 (RETCHES) 22 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,000 (VOMITS) 23 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:25,480 LITTLE NEIL: Why should he get a tenner for looking after me? 24 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,720 All right. What would you do if a homicidal maniac broke in? 25 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,560 I'd fetch Garth some new pants. 26 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,120 What's he going to do? 27 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,360 I'd be protecting him. 28 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:34,840 No, you wouldn't. 29 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,080 He's older than you. 30 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,280 So what? I should get that tenner. 31 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:40,040 You're going to bed at eight, you are. 32 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,920 Don't take it out on me cos Petra kissed your mate Tyler. 33 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,240 We're just friends! 34 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,200 Hey! Pack it in. 35 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,040 Morning! 36 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,400 Morning. 37 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,400 Did they see me? 38 00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,080 Maybe you should just tell them. 39 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,440 They don't want me up here. 40 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,920 She made that perfectly clear last time. 41 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,520 It won't stop me seeing you, though. 42 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,440 Besides, they'll only drag me round the Pencil Museum. 43 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:11,680 Now come round here and put that coat over me head. 44 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:13,160 This is not the Old Bailey, you know. 45 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,920 (DOG YAPS) 46 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,080 Quiet, Fang! 47 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,000 What's Ravi going to say? 48 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:27,520 We've been going there for 17 years. 49 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,200 And he never sent us a Christmas card. 50 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,600 Is that what this is about? 51 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:34,040 Love, we've outgrown the Garden Of India. Look around. 52 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:38,080 Just for once, let's celebrate our anniversary after 6pm. 53 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,360 "Pan-fried dabs with monk's beard"? 54 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:42,760 It's what we've always dreamed about. 55 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,000 Monk's beard? 56 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,040 I don't even know what it is, and nor do you. 57 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,240 Come on, love. This is our time! 58 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,360 We're free! 59 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,000 We can finally leave the kids at home. 60 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,000 Do you think Garth'll be all right? 61 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,920 - Little Neil'll be here. - Yeah. 62 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,960 Come on! It's the Swan. 63 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:02,000 Got us the best table in the house. The one you always fancied. 64 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,600 Fine. 65 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:05,320 We'll go out for monk's beard. 66 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:08,280 - There's other things on the menu. - (DOOR CLOSES) 67 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,360 Rabbit ballotine. 68 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,960 Torched langoustine. 69 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,000 Pheasant. 70 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:18,520 (SHE VOMITS) 71 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,320 Darling? 72 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:23,520 (SOBS) 73 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,160 Oh, darling, come back. 74 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,880 - Sebastian? - Yeah. He's ended it. 75 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:30,320 - Again. - Maybe I should go after her. 76 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:31,880 She'll be fine. 77 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,800 Yeah, but she's very upset this time. 78 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,440 Maybe I should have a word with his parents. 79 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,080 I'm sure she'd be thrilled by that suggestion. 80 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,720 Her daddy talking to his daddy? 81 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:41,720 Well... 82 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:43,800 Heartbreak's good for you at that age. 83 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:47,000 Did I ever tell you about when I worked as a chalet girl in Gstaad? 84 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,440 - So many times. - Nick was a ski instructor. 85 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,200 - His eyes were... - Ice-blue? 86 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:54,080 He didn't speak a word of English 87 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,880 but we understood each other intimately. 88 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,760 Lovely. Darling, I do know all about your misspent youth. 89 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,840 There's nothing misspent about it. 90 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:03,560 We never wasted a second. 91 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,600 - Privacy was the problem. - Ah! 92 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:07,440 But that was all part of the challenge. 93 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,440 - Mmm... - The sauna, 94 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,280 the store cupboard at the chalet, 95 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:12,800 various cable cars. 96 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,880 And then there was that time off piste. 97 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,040 We caused a small avalanche. 98 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,000 - Excellent! - But of course, it had to end. 99 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,520 Did it? 100 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,880 He did it over fondue at Gildo's. 101 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,760 "You, me, kaput." 102 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,440 Three words I will never forget. 103 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,720 Right. Well, we're out of dishwasher tablets 104 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,120 so I thought I might pop down to Morrisons. 105 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:37,960 (SIGHS) 106 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,040 But I forgave you! 107 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:54,800 When? 108 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:57,520 What, when you copped off at prom with Victoria? 109 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:58,920 And Lucinda? 110 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,520 And Lucinda's sister Jemima? 111 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,960 But I told you it was just a kiss. It meant nothing. 112 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:09,160 And I fessed up. We always said honesty was more important than anything. 113 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,280 Fine. 114 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:15,200 I'm better off without you, anyway. 115 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,520 All I wanted was a boyfriend who'd share my interests. 116 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,640 You never came to the theatre with me, even though I asked you a thousand times. 117 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,800 You don't listen to my music. 118 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,240 No, you didn't, Sebastian. 119 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:25,680 Whenever I put on Laura Marling, 120 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,480 you just pulled that stupid face. 121 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,480 You don't even know what my favourite colour is. 122 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,440 No, no, it's not purple. 123 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,720 It's mauve, Sebastian. 124 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,160 There is a world of difference. 125 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,360 NEIL: Talk about taking the scenic route! 126 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,200 FIONA: It's the Lake District. You have no choice. 127 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,960 - I thought I might have to have jabs. - You should have tipped him. 128 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:02,080 Hey, we'll save our gratuities for this place. 129 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:03,600 They'll look after us. 130 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:06,240 Unlike Ravi, with his paper tablecloths and plastic cups. 131 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:08,040 So it is about the Christmas card? 132 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,240 No. All I'm saying is, they'll treat us right here. 133 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,520 - Hmm. - Now, madame, if you please. 134 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,000 Oh! 135 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:18,760 What do you mean, taken? 136 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:20,680 We can only hold tables for ten minutes. 137 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,200 It's 7.41. 138 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:24,720 That will be 11 minutes, sir. 139 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:25,920 - Now... - It don't matter. 140 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,480 - We'll make do with another table. - I'm afraid we're fully booked. 141 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:32,520 Although I could squeeze you in at 9.30... 142 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,680 ...on Tuesday. 143 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:37,080 Or you could move those other people 144 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,560 and squeeze us onto the table that we booked for tonight. 145 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,640 It's only been two minutes. They'll understand. 146 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:42,800 I really can't do that, sir. 147 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:45,120 (POSH VOICE) Oh, well, if you can't, I will! 148 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:46,600 No, you can't go in there. 149 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,560 No, you can't go in there either, madam. Where are you going? 150 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,440 You can't go in there. 151 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:54,640 You! 152 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,200 - Too many calories. - Oh, darling, come on. 153 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,200 - It'll be delicious. - The turbot? 154 00:06:58,240 --> 00:06:59,280 Yes. 155 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:00,640 (NEIL CLEARS HIS THROAT) 156 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:01,720 Oh! 157 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,240 Ah, what a coincidence! (CHUCKLES) 158 00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:07,920 Of all the gin joints in all the towns...etc. 159 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:12,560 Well, look, do you know what? We had the most amazing bit of luck. 160 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,560 We just rocked up here on the off chance, and would you believe it? 161 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,240 Best table in the house suddenly became available. 162 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:19,440 Yep. 163 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:20,960 It's ours. 164 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,320 - I'm sorry? - The table. 165 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:27,400 We booked it for half past seven, but the taxi brought us via Penzance. 166 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,160 He's exaggerating. 167 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,400 - It's our anniversary. - Oh! Oh, right. 168 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,160 Oh, no. Well, look, in that case, 169 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,920 - you absolutely must...you must have it. - We've ordered drinks. 170 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,440 Our actual anniversary isn't till Thursday 171 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,960 and, to be honest, I'm not feeling myself today. 172 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,440 I've got a banging headache. 173 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,880 Love, you'll be fine once you've had something to eat. 174 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,360 I've really been looking forward to it. 175 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,480 She had her heart set on a bit of monk's beard. 176 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,360 Oh? Right. 177 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,440 Well, um... 178 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,240 Argh! What a bind! Um... 179 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:58,920 Well, look, if you, um... 180 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,760 If you didn't object, perhaps we could, um... 181 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,040 Perhaps we could all eat together? 182 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,640 Oh! Well, that'd be lovely. 183 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,080 Yeah! Come on. 184 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,760 It'll be fun. Geoffrey? 185 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,880 Would it be possible to get two more chairs, please? Thank you. 186 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,640 (CHUCKLES) Ah, what a hoot. 187 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,600 Yes. (SIGHS) 188 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:24,200 ROBERT: Well, I'll put that in that. There we go. Some water, Fiona? 189 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:25,640 Thank you. 190 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,720 I'll get you some water. Here you go. 191 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:29,880 And some into there. 192 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,600 Move that glass there, like that. 193 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:34,080 It's a squeeze, isn't it? 194 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,200 Darling, I'll give you some water here. 195 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:40,280 Well, I know what I'm having. 196 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,960 Pheasant all the way. 197 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,560 I do like a bit of pheasant. 198 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,080 (CHUCKLES) Excellent choice. 199 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,600 Pheasant here is first class. They hang it themselves. 200 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,640 I thought they shot 'em. 201 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,640 (CHUCKLES) Very good. Very good. 202 00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:54,240 No, they leave them like that for about ten days or so 203 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:57,520 until they start to decompose, which is what gives it that depth of flavour 204 00:08:57,560 --> 00:09:00,600 and those wonderful aromas. You are in for a treat, Neil. 205 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:05,320 They used to hang pheasant until maggots dropped from their flesh. 206 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:07,560 Sounds lovely. 207 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,440 I'm having the langoustine. 208 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,840 Oh, yes, and you're going to have the pan-fried dabs with monk's beard. 209 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,320 - Another excellent choice. - As long as the monk don't mind. 210 00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:16,320 Ha! (CHUCKLES) Very good. 211 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,160 Yes, well, I'm afraid I'm going to let the side down 212 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,520 because I'm having the hamburger. 213 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:24,080 Mind you, it is an all-steak patty with hickory-smoked bacon, 214 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,960 melted Cumbrian Cheddar in a toasted brioche bun. 215 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,640 Oh, God, it's so good. 216 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:31,120 Sticking with the pheasant? 217 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:32,600 Absolutely. 218 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,000 Never let me down before. 219 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,680 Always game for a bit of pheasant. 220 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,000 Neil, you're on fire. 221 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,600 I have me moments. 222 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,200 No, no. Your menu. It's on fire. 223 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,480 - Oh, Neil! - Oh, my... 224 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:43,880 - Neil, put it out! - Somebody get... 225 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,200 (GASPS) 226 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:51,720 Right, um... 227 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,280 Right, it's time for you to go to bed. 228 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,840 I said it's bedtime. 229 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,800 All right. See you in the morning. Oh, don't forget to brush your teeth. 230 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,160 - Your bedtime. - I'm not going to bed. 231 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,400 - Yeah, you are. - Give me half the money, then. 232 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,040 - What?! - Give me a fiver and I'll go to bed. 233 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,520 Go to bed now or I'm ringing Mum and Dad. 234 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,160 You're not looking after me. 235 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,960 You're just sitting there, same as I am. Why should you get all that money? 236 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:36,240 Because I am the responsible one. 237 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,840 - (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) - What was that? 238 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,240 He must have killed the electricity. 239 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:42,560 Who? 240 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,160 The homicidal maniac. 241 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:48,440 What? No. No, no, no, no, no. It must be a power cut, or something. 242 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,000 You'd better go out there and sort it. 243 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:53,720 - Me? Why me? - Because you're the responsible one. 244 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,160 FIONA: This is gorgeous. 245 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,840 How's the pheasant? 246 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,240 It's... It's unbelievable. 247 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:07,520 Champagne! 248 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,720 ROBERT: Oh, thank you. 249 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,080 What on earth are you doing?! 250 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:16,000 - Your hand was virtually in me dinner. - No, it wasn't. 251 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:17,640 You're lucky I didn't take a bite out of it. 252 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:20,040 Happy anniversary! 253 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,760 - For us? - I thought it wasn't until Thursday. 254 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,400 Well, it's the least we could do since we stole your table. 255 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:26,560 Thank you. 256 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,880 You shouldn't have. 257 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:29,520 Hey! 258 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:30,840 To the Hacketts! 259 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,440 Happy anniversary. 260 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:35,840 You spoil that dog. 261 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,400 Well, he loves going out for a drink. 262 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:40,480 And when he can put his hand in his pocket, he can join us. 263 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,960 All I said was, I'd take him a sausage home and a little bit of pudding. 264 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,080 Your table is ready. 265 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,880 Oh, ta very much. 266 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:51,360 Oh, why don't you take him the rabbit ballotine and have done with it? 267 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:54,960 He's not keen, is he? "Hand-cut chips"? 268 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,600 Who's the chef, Bruce Lee? 269 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,760 (GASPS) Oh, it's my Neil. Get back, get back! 270 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,480 Let's just come clean. 271 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:05,880 We're all grown-ups. 272 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:06,920 My son isn't. 273 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,800 He'd still have me walking round in widow's weeds. 274 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,440 Oh, come on, we'll have to find somewhere else. 275 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:15,240 Come on. 276 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:16,480 Come on! 277 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,360 Poor Petra. 278 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,040 She was terribly upset. 279 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,080 We were going to take them skiing next season, 280 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,600 but, well, that looks like that's off the agenda. 281 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,560 This time next week, Sebastian will have his head in our fridge. 282 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,840 It'll be Mrs Dillon this and Mrs Dillon that 283 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,960 while he tries to take a look down my top. 284 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,080 (CLEARS HIS THROAT) 285 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,920 I've always fancied having a go at skiing. 286 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,400 When I was 17, I was a chalet girl in Gstaad. 287 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,600 - And she had a wonderful time. - His name was Luka. 288 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,800 He didn't speak a word of English. He was... 289 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,760 He was a jolly nice chap is what he was. 290 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:53,120 So, were you thinking of a-a-a particular resort? 291 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,280 Well, I have had my eye on the SnowDome at Tamworth. 292 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:56,840 Right! 293 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,800 Yes. Well, that's a great place for finding your feet. 294 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:00,920 Or breaking your neck. 295 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,400 Yes. 296 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,960 Not in a month of Ski Sundays would you find me on a slope. 297 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,320 - Oh! - Are you all right? 298 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,040 There's a ball bearing in me dinner! 299 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:16,320 It's shot, you fool. 300 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,440 - What? - It's lead shot from the gun. 301 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:19,920 - Lead?! - Mmm. 302 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,120 - Are they trying to poison me? - No, no, no. 303 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,560 It's perfectly harmless in small amounts. 304 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,200 There's enough in here to bring down an elephant. 305 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,920 Waiter! Waiter! 306 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,160 Waiter! 307 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,360 (ROBERT CLEARS HIS THROAT) 308 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,040 It's not even dark. 309 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:37,120 Yeah. 310 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,080 - Well, it will be soon. - You should've brought your night light. 311 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:40,520 It's not a night light, it's... 312 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:41,960 It's a reading lamp. 313 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,280 I love the dark. I don't want the lights to come back on. 314 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:47,920 Got it. 315 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,400 (CLICKING) 316 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,360 - I had the batteries for my drone. - Where is it? 317 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,960 Stoke. 318 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,960 - Brilliant. - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 319 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,360 - Who's that? - It must be the homicidal maniac. 320 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,360 - You get it. - Half the money? 321 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:03,240 - Maybe they'll just go away. - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 322 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,000 (SIGHS) Fine, I'll get it. 323 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:07,760 - (BANGING ON DOOR) - Go on, then. 324 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,760 Get ready to whack him. 325 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,040 Is your TV not working, either? 326 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,520 (SHOT CLATTERS ON PLATE) 327 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,160 So, what's with watering the flowers with your champagne? 328 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:47,160 - I was throwing up all morning. - You were fine this afternoon. 329 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,240 It's cost muggins 80 quid a bottle, that. 330 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,440 I just didn't want to risk it. 331 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,440 You can have half a glass of bubbly on your anniversary. 332 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:54,760 That isn't until Thursday. 333 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,080 - Buy you a lager? - No. 334 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,280 Brandy and Coke? 335 00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:58,360 No, thanks. 336 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,400 - Oh, God, you're... - Don't press the panic button. 337 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:05,400 I haven't done a test. 338 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,680 - Yeah, but you've had morning sickness. - I was sick in...the morning. 339 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,360 How's that not morning sickness? 340 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,280 Calm down. We're doing a big shop tomorrow. 341 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,960 - I'll pick one up then. - But... Tomorrow? 342 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,400 This is an emergency. 343 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,000 I've had false alarms before. I knew you'd overreact. 344 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,560 - Not overreact... - Right. 345 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,040 Just ordered us another bottle of champagne 346 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,080 - so we'll need to finish this one off. - No, she's fine! 347 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,520 Look, I'll be right back. 348 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:27,920 - Neil... - Excuse me. 349 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,920 Everything all right? 350 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,840 He really doesn't want to go to the SnowDome. 351 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,280 Two hours? 352 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,120 I need a taxi now. I'm Mr Hackett. 353 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,200 You dropped me and me wife off at the Swan. 354 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,560 Yeah. We were late for our table but that don't matter now. 355 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:50,920 Tip?! 356 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,440 No, I was going to give you the tip on the way back! 357 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:54,560 Hello? 358 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:55,600 Hello?! 359 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,360 (CAR APPROACHES) 360 00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,360 I don't believe it. 361 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,160 Mr Fieldhouse! 362 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,040 MERCY: God, it's Neil over there! 363 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,840 Mr Fieldhouse! Stop! 364 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,640 - Put your foot down! - Mercy! 365 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:09,200 - Faster! Faster! - This is ridiculous! 366 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,840 Mr Fieldhouse! 367 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,440 It's me! 368 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:30,800 Thank you. 369 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,120 I need a lift into town. It's an emergency. 370 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:34,720 Aye. Hop in. 371 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,160 OK. 372 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,800 (DOG GROWLS) 373 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:41,000 You'll have to watch her, but plenty of room in the back. 374 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,600 (SHEEP BLEAT) 375 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:48,640 (MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE AMY WINEHOUSE: Valerie) 376 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:52,280 And I look across the water... 377 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,440 Aww! 378 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,280 Hey there, little fella! 379 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,880 He's so cute. 380 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,600 What's his name? 381 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,240 - Er, Banksy. - Like the artist? 382 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:09,800 No! Like the old Stoke goalie, Gordon Banks. 383 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,440 Oh. 384 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,000 - Bed. Now. - No. 385 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,840 Just be a minute. 386 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,120 Oh, OK. 387 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,120 At least you didn't tell her you were named after Garth Crooks. 388 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,320 Get off. Get off! 389 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:33,080 Right. There's your money. I don't want to see or hear from you again tonight, OK? 390 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,520 You don't seriously think you've got a chance with her? 391 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,000 - Shut up! - (COUGHS) 392 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,760 - Good luck! - (DOOR CLOSES) 393 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,360 (SNIFFS) 394 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,520 (MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE AMY WINEHOUSE: Back To Black) 395 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,520 (SNIFFS) 396 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,440 - Are you all right? - Yeah. 397 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,280 This was our song. 398 00:17:58,440 --> 00:17:59,680 (SHE SOBS) 399 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,280 I'm sorry. 400 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:12,160 - I'm getting snot all over your jumper. - No, no! 401 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,080 - I don't... I don't mind. - Oh, you've changed. 402 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,080 Yeah, I...got chilly, so... 403 00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:18,360 I like the colour. 404 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,000 Aww, thanks. 405 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:21,920 It's mauve. 406 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,760 (SHE SOBS) 407 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,320 It's the wrong way round. 408 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:28,840 Yeah, I know, you should have been 409 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,760 - the one breaking up with him. - No, no, your jumper. 410 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,400 It's back to front. 411 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,520 (SHEEP BLEAT) 412 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,040 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) 413 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:11,680 Hiya. 414 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,400 Look, I know this sounds crazy, but I really need a pregnancy test. 415 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,120 - I think I need it more. - No... 416 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:21,760 It's not for me, it's for my wife. 417 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,880 Sorry. We can't help you. 418 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,640 - Look, you don't understand. - Hey! No, I don't understand. 419 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,840 I know how excited you both must be. 420 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,040 16 years ago I was stood right where you are now, 421 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,560 except it was in the Co-op in Ubberley. 422 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,360 Just up the road from the Holly Bush. 423 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,120 Three years later, I'm stood back in the same place. 424 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,600 Two boys. 425 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,120 Garth and Little Neil. 426 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:42,880 I wouldn't trade 'em for the world. 427 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,880 Pushing them round in their buggies, trying to get them to sleep. 428 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,840 - Our Garth wouldn't stop crying. - I don't blame him. 429 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,840 Do you think I can go through all that again? 430 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,280 The buggies, the nappies, the 4am feeds? 431 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:54,400 I don't think so! 432 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,440 It was nice talking to you. 433 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,600 A year from now, you'll look like something out of The Walking Dead. 434 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,880 It's your turn now, it's your turn! 435 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,800 You won't be able to stand the sight of each other. 436 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,760 We were supposed to be done with all that! 437 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:08,360 Tonight was the first night in 15 years we didn't need a baby-sitter! 438 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,600 I should be in the Pheasant now eating swan! 439 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:13,360 I mean, the Swan, eating pheasant. 440 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,880 But, oh, no, I'm back here in the Ubberley Co-op. 441 00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:18,360 - Or thereabouts. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it. 442 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:19,680 But you'll have to wait until tomorrow. 443 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,280 I can't wait! 444 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,640 I have to know tonight! 445 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,200 I need to know now! 446 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:25,400 Oi! 447 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,280 (SOBBING) 448 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,480 Please! 449 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,120 I'm begging you. 450 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,000 I won't sleep tonight, I may never sleep again! 451 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:45,200 Try the Ubberley Co-op. 452 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,160 Come on, love. 453 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,560 Excuse me, love. 454 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,400 (MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE AMY WINEHOUSE: Tears Dry On Their Own) 455 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:17,800 I should never have told him about your friend. 456 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:21,360 No! You did the right thing. 457 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,840 Honesty is really important. 458 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,520 That's what I always say. 459 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:29,400 I mean, with no trust, you've got nothing. 460 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,520 And you're better off without him anyway. 461 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,120 Yeah, I think you're right. 462 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,720 - You won't be on your own for long. - (SHE LAUGHS) 463 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,200 No, maybe not. 464 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,840 Going to the theatre next week. 465 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,320 - The theatre? - Oh, yeah, I love the theatre. 466 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:48,560 I go all the time. 467 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,040 I saw Coriolanus at the National the other day. 468 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,560 What was the last thing you saw? 469 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,800 The Chuckle Brothers at the Regent. 470 00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:58,520 Our grandma took us. "To me, to you!" 471 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,400 - It was epic. - Go to bed! 472 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,720 He... He's meant to be in bed, so I... 473 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:08,920 Sure. 474 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,000 - It's your turn. - Huh? 475 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,000 - I've been hogging it all night. - Oh, right. 476 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,640 OK. 477 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:24,080 ( LAURA MARLING: Worship Me) 478 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,880 Laura Marling? 479 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:31,280 Oh, my God, she's my favourite singer-songwriter. 480 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,720 - I don't believe it. - I mean, 481 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:37,040 how she didn't win the Mercury Prize in 2008, 2010 482 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:40,680 and 2013, I'll never know. 483 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,000 Little boy 484 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:49,120 I know you want something from me... 485 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,680 (DOG YAPPING) 486 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,240 Two hours without electricity! 487 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,280 And the site manager nowhere to be seen. 488 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,720 Well, I told you, he likes to do street dancing on a Saturday. 489 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:01,560 - (GASPS) - It's them! 490 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,200 Quick, quick! 491 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,720 Oof! 492 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,760 Donald Fieldhouse. 493 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:14,120 Think he's jealous. 494 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,320 Well, I'm not kissing him. Quiet, Fang! 495 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:21,600 (FANG GROWLS) 496 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,680 You totally got me. 497 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:28,080 I don't know. I think I've done your nose a bit small. 498 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:30,360 Not... Not that it's big, just... 499 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,240 ...you've got a nice nose... 500 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,480 I-I-I... I'll get you a drink! 501 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,840 ...scream and you'll wait till you're dead 502 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:52,680 Creatures fade by night 503 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:58,200 Following things that aren't right 504 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:02,080 And they're tired and they need to be led... 505 00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:03,280 (CAR APPROACHES) 506 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,040 (THUMP) 507 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,320 Hey, sorry, my mum ran out of red wine, so... 508 00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:11,680 I just got pop. 509 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,280 How could you? 510 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:14,520 Huh? 511 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:20,640 I can explain that. 512 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,560 So what happened was... 513 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,120 - I... - You were spying on me. 514 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,920 - No! I wasn't spying on you! - If you haven't got trust, 515 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,840 then you've got nothing. 516 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:30,400 FIONA: You might well look sheepish. 517 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:32,680 Don't talk to me about sheep. 518 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,960 Oh, hello, Petra, love. 519 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,160 You? Me? 520 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,720 Kaput. 521 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,640 ( LAURA MARLING: Rambling Man) 522 00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:45,000 ...by the slightest of breeze 523 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:48,200 And the weak need to be led 524 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:54,200 And the tender are carried to their bed... 525 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,920 Doesn't get any easier, you know. 526 00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,280 Women are still a mystery to me. 527 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,720 She was just upset about her boyfriend. 528 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,560 Yeah, I know. I was talking about your mother. 529 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,560 I'm in the doghouse. 530 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,240 - Again. - Why? What have you done now? 531 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:13,480 Nothing I haven't done before in Ubberley. 532 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,000 Still, I've never regretted it. 533 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:17,240 You've lost me. 534 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,040 I hope not. 535 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,920 Still, it wouldn't be the first time. 536 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,760 Do you remember that maze at Trenton Gardens? 537 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,960 - Vaguely. - You was about five at the time. 538 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,880 Little Neil was still a baby. 539 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,200 I'd only bent down to put his dummy back in, and you'd gone. 540 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,720 Couldn't chase after you because of the pushchair. 541 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,480 So I left him where he was. 542 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:39,120 I could see his Spongebob balloon over the hedges, 543 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:40,800 thought it'd be all right. 544 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:43,840 Next thing you know, I'm running round like a madman looking for you 545 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,880 and I see Spongebob floating off towards Uttoxeter. 546 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:48,240 I'd lost the pair of you. 547 00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,160 Never been so frightened in all me life. 548 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:56,400 Was just about to ring 999 when I come round the corner and there you were. 549 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,240 Stood next to Little Neil in his buggy like nothing had happened. 550 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:03,040 That's when I vowed I'd never let you out of my sight again. 551 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,200 And I haven't. 552 00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:09,560 LITTLE NEIL: What about West Midland Safari Park? 553 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:15,960 It were your mother's fault! 554 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:17,600 Of course it was. 555 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,520 Congratulations. 556 00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:48,000 We are not having a baby. 557 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:53,600 Yes! 558 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:55,920 (THEY CHEER)